the aftermath of too much thinking

Turns out that life altering decisions are the best decisions you can make because WHAT IS THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN? Life is only fun if you spend a significant portion of it surprising yourself.

what just happened?

I have been saying that to myself almost daily for the last two months. Seriously, what is happening? Between my personal life, professional life, and the stress I endure from reading local and national news almost every day I have hardly been able to grasp what is actually happening around me.

As a person I had grown to be miserable and exhausted with zero understanding of why I was living my life in a particular way. I became neurotic about my job and planned my personal life (which became nonexistent) around a job I didn’t even mildly enjoy. I enjoyed working with most of some of my coworkers but overall I’d grown tired of the job, the environment, and the company around me. I would ask myself before work, at work, after work, ‘why are you here?’ If I was that unhappy and life around me was proving to be shorter than I’d ever known before I just knew I had to get out. I never imagined I would leave this job because after eight years I had fallen into a very comfortable rhythm. I felt that I was pretty good at my job. I always did my best to learn more and do well at whatever was dropped in my lap but it had no meaning. Ah, there’s the thought we’ve been developing here. I think there are people who could be perfectly happy doing the job I did because they might care more, or adapt better than I did. After leaving school to pursue something better I fell into this job. Then I realized this was not the better I was looking for. So very abruptly I just quit. I. QUIT. MY JOB. OMG. I was more shocked than any of my management team I think. As the words came out of my mouth I felt as if I was standing outside my body watching this other being who looked like me make this life altering decision.  Freaky.  Turns out that life altering decisions are the best decisions you can make because WHAT IS THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN? Life is only fun if you spend a significant portion of it surprising yourself. So I left a large corporation to work for a brand new small business owner and it kind of sucked. I had more realizations about myself at this job: I had grown impatient. I knew that some day I wanted to own my own little cafe so after a week of trying to share my knowledge and help this little baby business grow I thought why the hell am I trying to help people who don’t appreciate my knowledge and experience grow their business when I could work for myself instead? Phew, long thought there. Basically this new business needed a lot of work. I mean, obviously, it is a new business! There is no time like the present to start working on your dreams so again something crazy happened. After two weeks, I QUIT MY NEW JOB. SERIOUSLY? I was fighting with myself because why would someone continue quitting jobs when they have bills to pay and who enjoys having an income to appease their lifestyle choices? I found a nice part-time job that I am actually going to enjoy (I think, lets not get ahead of ourselves here) so that I could start my own business!

My sister and I opened a creative studio!! We started with photography of our sweet basset hound, Harrison, and made greeting cards. Then props got involved and the pictures got funnier and the cards became epic and then our creative juices started flowing into other projects. Hence the creative studio… we couldn’t focus on just one project! It is starting small but we work hard and I’m happy!! I’ve made adjustments to accommodate my smaller income and I’m not just dreaming. Dreams don’t work unless you do so I am working extra hard to reach the enormous dreams I have for my life.

Sorry, have you moved on yet because I’m still hung up on the fact that I quit my job and that was like four weeks ago. It feels like a lifetime ago yet it also seems like it was yesterday. Interesting.

I will be using this blog to chronicle my new path in life. This originally was place for me to publish pieces of my writing but things change as we’ve learned from above. I haven’t had much time to write what with all the other things I am doing for our business so maybe someday when I have more time I can pull together some writing pieces and publish them sporadically. I am totally on this new swing to push people towards something they say they wish they could do or something they might try in the future. The future is now!! We don’t know how many tomorrows we have and with my growing concerns for potential war and the health of humanity I think we should all do the things we love and spread as much kindness around as we can.

until next time, jenna

vegan vegan vegan

I’m going to come right out and say it: I am a vegan. It’s a heck of a statement and gets a wide range of responses from people. Some are intrigued, some respect it, and some even show an interest in trying it. But mostly people just scoff at me for it. Let me say this real quick before you read any further. I am a vegan and I believe in this lifestyle for my personal health and in accordance to my opinions and beliefs. I am in no way a medical professional nor would I ever encourage anyone to become a vegan without doing proper research. If you’re interested in becoming a vegetarian or vegan for any reason at all read some books, Google it, talk to other vegans on Twitter, Instagram, etc, and talk to health care professionals. From experience I can tell you that you’re going to want to educate yourself. BUT THIS IS NOT A POST TO CONVINCE YOU THE VEGAN LIFESTYLE IS PERFECT. I am simply sharing my thoughts and if you don’t want to read then don’t. I am a vegan, but its not all I am.

Eating meat became something that I just couldn’t do anymore. It made me ill just to think about it. I thought about the treatment of animals and the horrendous conditions. The way I felt physically and emotionally when I ate meat and other animal products was becoming more negative every time I consumed it. I would almost throw up just thinking about a piece of chicken in my mouth. The only solution seemed to be cutting it out of my life. It happened slowly and I am really proud of the transition. I was a vegetarian for about 4 years before making the transition to vegan. I started phasing out all animal products and began educating myself on animal rights, treatment in production facilities, and the lack of regulation for these animals. By the time I was a vegetarian the only other animal product I was really eating was cheese. Most dairy products made me ill so I stayed away from them, but cheese is delicious, right? Ugh, pizza is so good. Okay, so I can also tell you that since I have been a vegan I cheated once or twice and then got sick or felt too guilty that it didn’t even taste good so I don’t even crave it anymore. I know, I must be crazy but it’s true!! I just made the decision that this is something I wanted to stand for so here I am praising thee vegetables and plants.

When most people find out I am a vegan they are shocked and put off. They start to ask “What do you eat?” and “How do you get protein?” and most importantly, “Why?” It’s funny because they demand a reason from me of why I choose not to eat meat but I never ask them why they choose to eat meat. People are perplexed at the thought of me not eating chicken fingers or putting cheese on my pizza. “Why don’t you eat eggs though?” Again, I explain being a vegan means I do not eat any animal products. I don’t eat jello, or honey, and I especially don’t eat eggs. The more I think about being a vegan the more I realize this wasn’t a huge step for me. I always ate chicken but never really cared for red meat or eggs. My favorite part of the meal was the herbs, spices, vegetables, and the grains. I have found that more people around me are becoming a part of the vegan community. That’s not to say that they are giving up animal products for good but they are eating less of it and enjoying it. It is a really great detox for your body. Most people don’t realize that the meats and other animal products they are consuming are filled with hormones and artificial products. (blah, gross.) If you’re new to the vegan community, welcome! I feel so inspired by the young people around me and others I find through Youtube and Instagram. Veganism is redefining how people eat. The colors, the natural ingredients, the health benefits, and just the amazing pure flavors are attracting more and more people. But there are still many, many people who think it is a less than attractive option for dinner. Those are the types of people I hope are reading this. Like I said, I am a vegan but I am also a lot of other things. I am a creative weirdo. I am a sister. I am an entrepreneur. I am a Buffalonian (even though I don’t eat chicken wings with blue cheese). I love sharing my love for vegans but I won’t ever share unless someone wants to hear. So if you want to tell me how terrible it is that I don’t eat meat just remember – I didn’t ask to hear your opinions.

When I first became a vegetarian, I was so lost. I definitely wasn’t eating enough protein. I was basically eating broccoli and pasta all day so never feeling satisfied was pretty annoying and made me pretty miserable. I knew I wanted and needed to be a better vegetarian. It turned out that being a better vegetarian was being a vegan. You can find so many amazing vegan recipes for breakfasts, dinners, and snacks on Pinterest and Instagram. The vegan cookbooks that exist are f a b u l o u s. Literally pure perfection. Honestly, if I cooked you a meal and didn’t tell you it was vegan you wouldn’t even know! I don’t think I have loved any cuisine more before in my life because vegan cuisine focuses on natural ingredients with pure flavor and you can really taste the difference. I feel cleansed and detoxified and happy. I’m 24 and I feel grateful that I found the drive to better my health for my future now rather than later. I believe a lot of young people my age forget how quickly we age and we don’t realize that most foods we put into our body have longer negative effects than we know. Add all the fast food plus added hormones in meat plus harmful chemicals on produce plus an abundance of alcohol and processed sugars and you’ll have an entire generation of millennials dying off quite quickly. But on the other side of that, there are so many people taking a stand for our generation and making great strides for health. We are becoming the future at big corporations and reteaching ourselves about health and fitness. It is invigorating! I certainly am not an expert but I am learning. Vegan in training! dats me.

If you are curious about the vegan lifestyle, feel free to check out my youtube channel! It’s brand new so stay tuned for some great content I have planned!

thanks for reading today,

j

yesterday

we danced in the hall, drunk on winter air

Whispers bounced off the walls and vibrated
through my ears
Tears dripped off my face and sank in my wine

my thoughts CRashED into each other, sloshed around

frustrated I’m

c  on f use  d

l o v e k i l l s lovemeloveme
waltzing beyond a future, the future
remember when we danced drunk

in the hell hall

it was winter

cold end warm start cold heart
it always ended.

Chasing Rainstorms [Excerpt]

I watched the streets and buildings awaken. Windows began to light up, joggers rushed passed, messengers hustled, cabs lingered around, and coffee shops started to bustle. 

People walked around with their faces to the ground. Their noses were hidden behind clunky knit scarves. Their hands stuffed in puffy coat pockets. I had been walking for hours and I hadn’t made eye contact with a single person. I didn’t feel ignored though. It wasn’t that they couldn’t see me; they chose not to. They worried and focused on their own lives as I had done to mine for so many years – until now. 

I walked with my face to the sky. For the first time in a long time I could feel the air I was breathing. It coursed through my lungs and raced within my body. I smelled the precipitation lingering above the tallest buildings.  I unzipped my own heavy coat and after ripping them off, I stuffed my gloves into my pockets. I felt a raindrop roll down my cheek. I looked up at the clear sky. No, not rain.  I wiped my fingers across my cheek and felt a warm tear that had escaped me. 

What had this new place done to me? I was ignored, pushed, barked at by a dog and his owner, and someone spilled coffee on me.  I had never felt more alive. 

Welcome to New York is probably what they meant to say. 

Bye bye bye

I believe in fresh starts and new beginnings. I believe in exceptional moments that mark the start of something new. I believe bad things happen and they are in the past. 

I believe in birthdays. 

And so as I lay my head down and think about saying good bye to 22 (cue Taylor Swift song) I am forced to relive everything that has happened this year and the choices that I made. I won’t lie to you I made some pretty shitty decisions. But I also made some really great ones that were tough calls and other people didn’t agree with. I lost relationships and gained some better ones. It wasn’t my best year but 23, man, 23 sounds pretty sweet. 

Taylor Swift says no one likes you when you’re 23. Maybe that is because 23 is when you learn to love yourself the most before anyone else can love you. #selflove 

Let’s go 23. I’m psyched to see what you have for me. 🎈 

237 (Working Title)

He is the kind of guy you fantasize about without ever knowing. You will fall in love without warning. He is tall with perfect sculpted shoulders. He is just the right height for your head to rest perfectly on his chest just below his chin. His hair is well trimmed yet perfectly roughed up on top. It gives him a boyish look around his handsome face accented by his well trimmed scruff. It will tickle your face when he kisses you. You’ll be consumed by the sweet smell of his cologne when his body gets close to you and he wraps his strong arms around you. He’ll place his hand in the small of your back. Even the lightest touch will send a warm tickle through your body. Each muscle is perfectly defined accented by his tan skin and callused hands. His fingers laced between yours make a perfect weave that could never be broken.  
Everyone wanted a part of him no matter how small a part they had. So no one ever truly had all of him. He was Jacob Farrell and I had been in love with him for 237 days and counting.  

 

 

Waking up 

I am finding it hard to wrap my head around the fact that someone who I told myself was the most important person in my life was able to just get up and walk out yet I don’t miss her. There are a few things that trigger a memory about her but they are slowly fading away. One day I won’t remember the times we really laughed or why I felt drawn to her in the first place. That is a startling thought but I don’t feel sad anymore. 

Yesterday I found a picture of us. I couldn’t remember where it was taken and that didn’t even bother me.  She almost gone. 

I know now who the most important people in my life are. They are the ones who save me from bad days. The ones who make me laugh so hard my face hurts. The ones who embrace my over the top personality. They answer my stupid questions. I’m becoming the best version of myself and those people are a big part of it. And now I’m okay being me. 

I’m awake now. 

Reconnecting 

I struggled with my blog before because I always felt uncomfortable posting what I wanted to post. I guess I felt like I was being judged. It was that place I was afraid of letting teachers, peers, and coworkers into. With the renovation of my blog into something more realistic I’m both terrified and ready to just post. It might not be perfect but this is where I can keep my thoughts and bits of writing. Some day I might look back and think a piece sucked or it’ll jog my memory about a tiny detail I have long forgotten. I can already look back and see the changes since I first began. It’s constantly evolving as I figure out how to deal with me as me. So here I am just posting things I’ve written in the past, projects I have been editing and working on, and new blurbs I need to keep safe. 

xo, j